Corona Grief

I am Sad and Angry and Grieving and I need to write it out

I feel like we went through 4 years of stress and heartache to put a pin in our life and move forward.  We went through 5 losses and a traumatic pregnancy and birth and made it on the other side. I felt like now we can plan and move along in life. When someone asks me what I’ll be doing in 6 mo I could dream up an answer but again that’s a bit unknown and that is hard.

I have this Amazing Sweet Happy Baby But you see I can’t share her. I can’t share her with family, I can’t share her with friends, I can’t share her with all the people who prayed so hard for her. I don’t get to see my loved ones hold her and talk to her. They are missing out on her laughs and smiles and sweet personality. And she is missing out too.

I have this 6 year old who is bubbly and social and loves people soo well. I have this 6 year who has waited with great anticipation for years to go to Kindergarten and have THIS teacher and now she is missing out.

I have this 9 year old who loves learning and has a teacher who feeds into her perfectly. A teacher who has sparked new interests and encourages her so well in her abilities and desire to learn and now she is missing out.

I want to go to church and hug my friends

I want to go out to public spaces without having anxiety that there are germs everywhere.

I want to see my family, I want to have holiday meals and play t-ball and board games

I hate that my kids are learning to respond that people are too close to each other when they should be embracing and enjoying each other

I want to take my kids to the park and the pool and play with friends this summer

I want to open social media and see fun joyful things and not death rates

I want people to take this seriously. I want this to be over and for no one to be missing when it is.

I want to have respect for everyone I know because they did the right thing and had the mindset of we are in this together.

We are doing the best we can to make memories and there have been so many positives that I have seen in this. My girls are becoming close friends, they are reading and learning, and we are working together better than ever. Neighbors are caring for, and encouraging each other. Communities are coming together to support others.  Churches are finding unique ways to reach out. Teachers are going above and beyond to support and connect with their students. Healthcare workers are sacrificing so much and putting themselves at risk to care for others loved ones while missing out on their own. People are appreciating grocery workers when before they were maybe overlooked. There is so much good but it’s just so hard.

Please lets just be responsible and follow the rules, lets kick this thing. Keep your families home so we can all move on.

Lets go back to normal, but a new normal. A normal where we appreciate each other more.  A normal where we see others and embrace community. A normal where we are all a little bit kinder

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Before

Do you ever see pictures of your younger self and think, oh there is so much ahead of you. Things were so much simpler then and the life in your eyes is so much different now. More complex

Before life changing car accidents.
Before cancer and illness in loved ones or their children.
Before knowing children are murdered or abused.
Before understanding how truly ugly people can be.
Before understanding what true fear and loss of control is.
Before the daily, sometimes exhausting routine parenting and of work life balance.
Before babies coming and going like a whisper.
Before struggles with anxiety and depression.

But also..

Before the appreciation of how fragile life is and how lucky you are.
Before knowing there are people who have true burning desire to do good and be good in the world.
Before knowing the arms of your children wrapped around your neck and how a simple night of time spent with them can mean everything .
Before seeing how well you are loved by friends amidst tragedy.
Before knowing true joy and the lightness of letting go.
Before really feeling the true peace of God that you’ve always heard about even if it was for what seemed like moments.

When you are in the deep of hard times people like to say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Time and perspective shows that this is simply is unhelpful and untrue. When you get more than you can handle it may break part of you but it will strengthen another part. You will not arrive on the other side unchanged but maybe you will come out with a new and different appreciation for the really important things in life. And in that pain you may even find your passion

Snow Days

Another snow day means another school day into June. Its irritating yes. Cleaning up the driveway sucks. I’m sure at some point the kids will be screaming at each other and things will get way more messy when Im already feeling behind. The snow never seems to end and it makes many of us, especially those with littles tired and weary.
But I’m thankful that we can stay home and our circumstances really aren’t that bad.

2007/2008 during another heavy year of snow I was constantly driving back and forth to Mason City because my mom was in a coma from a car accident. Sleeping on hospital couch beds, talking with specialists, sitting at her bedside with watch and wait for answers, the snow was the least of my worries. I don’t even remember it being a horrible winter.

While I’m ready to complain and make sarcastic jokes about this weather with the rest of you I’m also ok with watching the beauty in it. Because perspective shows it could very much be worse.

So I will stay home and Try to be thankful. Try because even when everyone is screaming, Im stepping on toys, the laundry and dishes pile grow as fast as the snow piles at least we can be here.

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